Getting serious about mandates

The provocative legal decision this week that ruled private health insurance mandates to be unconstitutional has got me thinking.   Mandated insurance purchases are necessary, proponents claim, because the insurance industry will collapse unless (this is only a necessity because the government is essentially eliminating ordinary market insurance, but I digress) we are forced to prop up the house of cards created by ObamaCare.

So, as long as we are chucking the Constitution to re-engineer our society, we ought to apply this mandate logic of ObamaCare to many other realms of life.   Accordingly, here is a list of things we need to mandate right away:

1. Gun ownership.  Obviously the police can’t protect us, and their job is made so much harder because of irresponsible people who fail to protect themselves and end up in the emergency room as victims of crime.  If society is going to take the bullet out of your cranium, you better show some proof you did your best to protect yourself.  All households under 400% of the federal poverty level will receive a subsidy to purchase guns in a new Gun Exchange (not to be confused with “gun shows,” which are evil) set up by each state.  However, no one will be allowed to purchase guns across state lines.

2. Marriage. A whole host of empirical research supports the idea that married people are healthier, happier, better off, and just generally better citizens.  Furthermore, with fewer selfish, single people hanging around, cable TV could broadcast something worthwhile, like more NBA games, rather than Sex and the City re-runs.  Following Obamacare principles, anyone who remains single in a given year shall face a significant fine.  Furthermore, employers with more than 50 employees are required to provide speed dating services to their employees.  Employees of small businesses are encouraged to date the boss’s daughter.

3. Children. Buying health insurance is only part of the new social contract.   Medicare premiums shall henceforth be determined based on the number of adult children the elderly person has who can contribute to financing the Medicare system and wiping drool from the chins of their aged parents.  Each adult child will reduce the Medicare premiums to be paid by the Medicare enrollee.

4. Religion. Who is going to worry about the future and try to avoid cancer unless they have the fear of God put into them?  Without religion, they are just going to end up in the emergency room—a pot-smoking, chlamydia-ridden, anti-depressant-popping, existential mess!    Religions that teach that you can do whatever the heck you want and still be saved will be acceptable (even though they don’t change behavior much, they instill valuable social capital), but only those who can certify a behave yourself or burn in hell theology will receive tax credits and matching grants.

5. Military service. Ever noticed that practically every developed country that has socialized medicine also has compulsory military service.  Think that is a coincidence?  Therefore, each adult is required to provide one member of his or her family to the military—they can send a child, if they have one (see above).  Otherwise, they must purchase a substitute to serve.  Though substitutes have not been around since the Civil War, it is time they make a comeback.  However to protect the underclasses,  no minority substitutes can be purchased, even by minorities.

Good grief, we can mandate our way into Nirvana.  The Right has been preaching that government needs to get out of the way so that individuals can make decisions by themselves.  But maybe we just haven’t though through this mandate concept carefully enough.

3 thoughts on “Getting serious about mandates

  1. > practically every developed country that has socialized medicine also has compulsory military service

    really? No. And stupid. Few countries have compulsory military service, and most countries have socialized medicine

  2. Ummm, I was just making a joke.

    But a lot of countries with some level of socialized medicine do have compulsory military service: Denmark, Finland, Norway, Germany, Austria, Switzerland, Estonia, Greece, Russia and others.

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